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Meh! My boyfriend manstruates-
What the fuck?
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Its generally in the arms of sleep that I am struck by a special line that I need to remember, and then the words just start tumbling out, so here-
---
I love reading-I really do.
Romance mostly, drama, angst, all things beautiful and bitter sweet-like an elliot smith song. I indulge myself in those relationships that I find so elusive in every day life-real life.
I can read hour after hour, page after page, staying up all hours of the night and wasting my life on the pain and glory of fictitious characters-with fictitious lives-emotions sometimes raw and real, but more often amateurish and transitory, yet still i search.
I live in my head these days.
I wonder sometimes why I've reduced myself to this-why I don't instead seek out my own meaning, or at the very least try to create this that I read, pursue my own endearingly damaged characters and overly angsty plots-I have done, in the past, when I didn't feel quite so worn...
I suppose its because I've been there-been burned, and I need to forget it by drowning myself in others' stories-
I was involved, once upon a time, in a sappy little one shot that lasted all of a few weeks-
well,
thats not quite fair,
if you want to count a couple years worth of UST, be my guest and call it a full length piece, but to me all that really meant something in the end, were those few weeks.
It was a beautiful story, both of us young and fragile, embarking on something completely new and foreign to us,
just two lonely people...
seeking out another who they thought might understand them...
there was all the realism of subtle pursuits, nerve-induced stupidity, and awkward statements-left hanging in the air as we blushed, with our heads down, unsure of what it might mean-
the way we went off alone together everyday, it was no wonder people started talking-
no wonder people said we were in love-
but you know what?
I wasn't very fond of the ending-
oh no-
you see, as much an angst-whore as I am, I always wish for a happy ending-
but this one ended abruptly-as if the author had ceased to write-distracted by their real life, and had left us all hanging, waiting for more-waiting for something to happen already-
the sad little fic ending up forgotten, with the rest of the WIPs
hit remember, and hope to stumble upon it again.
Sometimes I wonder-the reason I spend all day, attached to my computer screen, searching and searching for beauty and meaning in words-
and when I grow tired of my searches, mid-morning, 4 AM, while its still dark out and the fog is thick in the air, having missed yet another nights' sleep-
I am forced to realize-
all i really want out of life, is another chapter,
another piece of that arc-
mine and his-
even just an epilogue-
resolution-would calm my soul.
And when I sleep-thats all I dream about-
and I cant stand waking up.
---
i think a bit too personal for myspace lol
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i'm so bored i want to bash my head in.
just thought i'd share.
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It’s difficult to know when to be sad sometimes-or rather, when you’re justified. I’ve been so down lately-and as it turns out about sometime that just gets more and more trivial in the face of other more relevant events. I’d prayed and wished and hoped for this trivial matter to resolve itself, thinking if I could just have this one thing-I could handle anything else, and that’s probably true. But then, the next I know, my dog is missing-one of them-one of the few companions I have; the most likely scenario grim, as she’s not one to run off, and I feel like a fool. I get so upset over the most stupid-meaningless things-and then when something really terrible happens, it’s tragic. And then, watching the news, seeing people loosing their families, I feel foolish all over again for being so broken over the loss of a dog-yet still I cant help it-cant contain it. I feel how I feel, and I can’t stop that and I suppose I will continue to fall apart over these most trivial things-but I will keep it in check. For the first time I find myself really questioning my spirituality-not if God exists, if he’s there-if there’s an afterlife-these things I know-have to hang onto-but rather, if god is there for us, or whether he just watches us stumble through life unaided. I really feel empty these days-and I cant think about what could have happened to my dog-the most perfect, beautiful, innocent creature I’ve ever known; And I continue to hate myself time and time again for my naivety-wishing on 11:11, blowing dandelions, and praying so hard-somehow expecting it to all work out and all the more for having hope-maintaining this ridiculous optimism. Even as I write this, I know that I entertain fantasies of that one person caring, I know of my plans to plaster the town with flyers of my lost dog-and I can’t help it. I suppose it’s true that nothing so good can remain on this earth for too long.
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i'm just so fucking lonely it makes me sick. home is no longer home, school is more of a comfort. my family is not a family any more. my father is an alcoholic harrassing asshole. my mother is depressed all the time. my sister has been left with deep scars due to this lack of love and seeks it else where-and its concerning me. my brother-god he's only ten-i have no idea the psychological damage that has been done. i guess i'm the best off, i was old enough when it started to teach myself to deal with it, to steel myself against it, to resign myself to it. but them-they're just so young, i worry.
its all too much, all this on top of the cat and mouse game i seem to be constantly trapped in with the only person i feel like could make it all better. its alright isnt it? to be so fucked up in this world, but to have that one special person-that person who doesnt mind, to be fucked up right with you-to help each other heal, or maybe just forget it all in the infinite profound passion that connects you-binds you.
i dont know how much longer i can remain.
in this.
my house. my life. nis
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| 2008-02-14 16:54 |
| Rejected |
| Public |
 stiffed |
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yeah.
i'm just fucking confused as hell.
me and this guy have been trapped in this dance, if you will, since last year,
a couple weeks ago prospects seemed really high, he was being really nice to me and he went to lunch with me several times and said some very interesting things, but then suddenly, when things were so perfect, it all just stopped.
i'm just so sick of this tease bullshit, i dont get it.
today was really the straw the broke the camel's back, in English class (after he rejected my invitation to go to lunch), we were given a love poem that we had to fill in the blanks and his was-
I give you rejection
i'm so confused, and i'm so tired, he makes me so happy but he gives me so much grief.
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do you ever feel, like you're not living? just...existing?
and that, when it comes down to it, its nobody's fault but yours?
i think i blame others for my problems far too much.
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It’s all you can do to walk straight-talk straight, keep from falling down
As you pause in the stairwell, the light thump no indication as you catch your footing, remember to keep breathing.
The corners of your vision blur and fade as you stare straight ahead-forget where you are. As you continue, your steps have a double click-your balance still jittery as you sway on your next.
Step-you hit the wall again.
People say you look unhealthy-maybe you are-a little; but really you’re far sicker inside-a soul poisoned years ago, but now it appears the damage is beyond repair.
So many times have you thought you’d been saved-only to see the toxins return tenfold. It’s like when you get that itch on the roof of your mouth-the worst kind of itch-you scratch it with your tongue and here you feel that brief moment of relief-of joy, satisfaction-and yet, when you stop-that itch has become wretched-for not only is there a pain left from what was once just a slight irritation, but the desire-the need to keep scratching now consumes you as well.
You were never saved-you wont be-there was a time you had hope-some fantastical dream to cling to-or rather that one. last. gorgeous passion, that kept you-
left you
who you are-were.
But now even that is gone.
You sigh deeply as you pull yourself away from these thoughts that plague you when you’re brave enough to take a look-and you spare a brief glance at your ever shaking hands-willing them to cease their movement, managing only to bring them down to a light jitter before they increase their speed as a shiver runs through you.
Securing your mask firmly in place, you check yourself-you continue your steps,
You continue your lie.
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It hurts.
To feel like you’re wasting your youth.
It hurts.
To feel like you gave so much, and it all meant nothing.
It hurts,
To have so much passion, and no one to share it with.
It hurts,
To be selfish.
To watch those around you happy, and to be jealous.
It hurts,
To feel as if your home is the hard place on the other side of you and the rock.
It hurts.
To be played with, to be yanked around continuously, thinking you’ve escaped every time
your thrown away, every time you’ve finally healed, only to be pulled in once again.
It hurts.
To have so much angst and feel like a fool for it.
It hurts.
To pretend.
It hurts,
To be so overwhelmed with emotion, to shake so bad you cant hold the pencil anymore-cant
get to your feet without tripping, cant hold glass for the fear it’ll slip and break.
It hurts.
To hide, always hiding.
It hurts,
To wish for a swift, abrupt-
end.
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w00t for gay dumbledore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
<3333333333333333 to JK Rowling!!!!!!!!!!!!
~Oni
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yeah, more emo poetry, i just cant seem to shake this mood....
A Quiet Room You used to make me feel I was the only one in the room, But now I am invisible, shrouded in a constant gloom. I was once something special, worth something to you, But now you berate me, you hate me, what did I ever do To be ripped apart, split apart, have my heart torn in two. As you smirk that smirk, and talk to her, the way you did to me, I wonder if things could ever be the way they used to be. Memories of then haunt me, living now makes me sick, Its been so long, I cant go on, my face too numbed too quick, My breath is choked, I think I’ve broke, and I can’t feel to grip. ~Oni
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hey all, here are some weird ass poems i wrote the other night whilst trying to focus on my homework (at like 3 in the morning) anyways, here they are...with...working titles
"Its a hard rock life..."
Thin, the skin,
Stretched over his bones, he moans,
A rip, a slip, a tare in his clothes.
It’s missed, the kiss,
the touch of her velvet hand.
She stares, doesn’t care,
What has become of the band
The bright lights glare, a vacant stare,
The filth of the hands of the fans,
Its all a rouse, its all a show,
What will you think of him then?
The night’s a haze, his eyes ablaze,
The drug has filled him now,
Sweet numbness consumes, enshrouds the doom,
As he stands and takes a bow.
---
"Catch 22"
Its etched in your eyes,
Carved on your soul,
The beauty of sweet revenge.
The lust, I trust, had become too much,
And the need had consumed you there.
Embrace it, disgrace it,
feed it, you need it,
This blissful desire in hand,
The cure, as it were,
Is simple in thought,
Though practice is different to be sure,
It haunts, it taunts,
You can’t stand it, you want,
This request is longed to complete.
Hush now my dear, sleep well, don’t fear,
It’ll all be over soon.
As your vengeance you take,
I hope for your sake,
The payment suffices the debt,
And now as you end, say goodbye to your friend,
Feel the void, the pangs of regret
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hey, i know that noone really reads this, but i'm just going to write regardless,
I feel fucking lonely as hell lately, I cant explain it, but i just do. maybe its because my freshman sister has more suitors than me? maybe its because homecoming is approaching and there isnt a chance in hell that i'll get a date? or maybe its because i've recently had to let at least one dream die, and i'm not completely sure that i'm ready to let it go...i dont know, its just miserable, and i'm falling behind in school, and I just dont know anymore...i just hope things will get better, its all i have to hand onto always, the hope of things getting better
~Oni
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w00t! didnt have time to post about this when it happened, but i saw James Blunt on tuesday and it was fucking phenominal, it was at the el rey and we bought our tickets on ebay, so when we got there the woman who we bought them from, Jeana, was first in line in the will call line, and gave us our tickets so we got in the ticketholders line and ended up leaning on the stage! oh god, we were right there, an inch away from him at some parts, a couple feet most of the show! and i locked eyes with him at least 3 times, he was absolutely amazing, he always seems to be having a good time. his new album is great, so it made for a great show, i started up the crowd shouting take it off, so that was fun too, because goddamn, he's hot! i got tons of great pictures (well, my mom took them!) and i will post them here soon, but yeah, awesome, if you ever get the chance to go see him, do it, because he is one of the great performers out there right now and you dont want to miss him
~Oni
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OMG just saw Across the Universe, one word, phenominal, it is now my favorite movie, everything about it was great, i honestly have no criticism, the directing, producing, cast, and cinematography were all great, and i would LOVE to get my hands on that screenplay, because i wonder how it was written out, not to mention the music was fab, the singing and arrangements fit the movie perfectly, and boy was there slash potential, lol, my favorite thing was all of the obscure beatles references, most of them were obvious, but a lot of them i could tell most of the audience didnt catch, but really, it was great, i cant wait to go see it again, hopefully i will sometime next week, because unfortunately i have the SAT IIs next saturday and i havent even started studying, English, Bio, and history, english will be a breeze (i hope) but the other two i REALLY need to start cramming for, but i swear i dont have the time! with all these AP classes i havent slept in weeks, i catch a good night of sleep only on the weekends (if i'm lucky) and i have cleaning to do, and i'm going to have to start filling out college applications, and i have filming and screen-writing to do, i swear this year is looking to be more nightmarish than my first year of college will be (i hope), anyways, i just hope i dont lose it, i havent been to the gym in 4 days either and i usually go everyday, its ridiculous
~Oni
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ugh...got my wisdom teeth out on friday, and i am absolutely miserable. ;__; its the worst thing, my face is swollen up bigger than a pregnant ladies' kankles, i can't eat anything (well, maybe that's a plus XD) and even my vicodin barely helps the pain! The only good thing that can come of this is weight loss from inability to eat anything. I swear, its miserable. I did get a jamba juice today (because i was on the verge of passing out when i stood) but i had to spoon it! I cant even have a popsicle because it hurts too much to put my mouth in that position. ugh...if the swelling doesn't go down by tuesday, i am SO not going to school :S ugh...and i have got sooooo much homework to do!!!!! *dies*
~Oni
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Finally finished HP7 like a day or two ago, i read it much slower than usual because it is the last one. I went to the midnight book release as well, and seeing as i had no time to make a costume (work >_<) i decided to rock the trust snape propaganda instead
lol, anyways, it was fun except towards the end of the night some bitch spoiled a major part of the story for me ;_; but there were still many surprises as i read and the whole book was not lost!
i thought it was a great ending to such an epic series!
SPOILERS ALERT!!!!!!!!! READ NO FURTHER IF YOU HAVE NOT FINISHED BOOK!!!!!!
anyways, the epilogue was a bit off, but i suppose harry needed a happy ending, a great fic idea comes to mind on the point of teddy lupin and harry, perhaps harry and him could connect a lot through their shared loss of parents at such a young age, does anyone know who the hell is victoire btw? anyways, thats all for now, and i must say, as far as snape goes, i knew it all along!!! ha ha to those bratty kids at the book release who dared to question snape! IN YO FACE!!!
~Oni
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irritated
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